a note of importance

I’ve heard it said that it takes around 7 compliments to overcome the effect of one criticism. Regardless of the number, we all know that criticisms stick with us longer than compliments.

I never thought I had a problem with self-confidence. That is, until I was faced every day with people who didn’t like me, didn’t like my work, talked about me behind my back, and would email me paragraphs upon paragraphs, almost on a daily basis, telling me everything that I had done wrong.

Living in that kind of world and being surrounded by that sort of negativity every day does damage. Major damage.

I was reading an article the other day and here’s a snippet of it:

An idol is anything more important to you than God. Therefore, you can turn even very good things into idols. You can turn a good thing like family, success, acceptance, money, your plans, etc. into a god thing–into something you worship and place at the center of your life. This is what sin is. Sin is building your life and meaning on anything (even a good thing) more than God.

1 of the 4 root idols is APPROVAL. You know you have an approval idol if your greatest nightmare is rejection.

Last summer destroyed almost everything inside of me. From mental breakdowns to self-doubt and everything in between…I had forgotten who I was…so much so that I feared rejection on a daily basis.

I was brainwashed into believing horrible lies about myself. I believed the lies that said I would never be good enough.

“Good enough.” Now, that’s an intense phrase…. And something I’ve thought about a lot this past year. When Whitney Houston died, there was something spoken about this very idea.

"The Whitney I knew was still wondering 'Am I good enough?' 'Am I pretty enough?' 'Will they like me?' It was what made her great, and what caused her to stumble at the end…Escorted by an army of angels to your heavenly father. And when you sing before him, don't you worry. You'll be good enough."

Why is it so easy to let other people get the best of us? Why is it so much easier to believe the lies that society tells us? I don’t pretend to know the answer, but I do know that “It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”  (W.C. Fields)

It has taken me this past year to truly believe that.

April 27, 2012 I had a breakthrough. My advisor had spoken to me about this idea before, but that day it really hit me. I’M the one that chooses how I respond to other people.

I might work with someone every now and then that isn’t at the top of my list… I might interact with someone on a daily basis that I don’t care for all that much, but guess what? I can choose to treat them like a human being and offer them the respect and decency that was NOT offered to me.

That seems so elementary, but it has become a huge claim to victory for me...that I have the power to be better, and to treat people better, than how that agency treated me. They hold NOTHING over me and I know that now. By treating people with respect, I know that I am the one who has WON (not them!) because let's face it...they couldn’t even do that much.

I know how much I was harmed by the spiteful actions of others and now I’m at the front of the line… Maybe because of my experience, there will be one less person who has to deal with a workplace full of negativity and one less person who will question their own worth on a daily basis.

I’ll end with one of my favorite quotes that I thought about every day last summer:

“Thank you, God, that through my oneness with Christ my actions become a way of giving love rather than trying to earn an ego-building response from other people. I no longer need to depend on how people respond to me, and I escape from evaluating myself in the mirror of human approval."--Ruth Myers

THIS IS MY VICTORY. 


Go God. 

Show night

I didn't think I missed the music industry. I didn’t think I missed working shows.

But I don’t know what to think anymore.

The UG Club Director contacted me a couple weeks ago and asked if I could work merch for the (national) show this past Friday.  I honestly didn’t want to, but I have so much respect and love for the people at the UG, I felt like I should. So I did.

I got there on Friday and was kind of unsure how things would go… didn’t know if it would be awkward since, after all, I did leave them not even midway through the internship.

I walked in the door and a girl that I didn’t recognize exclaimed, “I know you!” The only thing I could think was People Loving Nashville. And sure enough… homeless ministry in Nashville was the connection. She was one of the founders of the ministry and is now on tour as Merch Manager for Fireflight. Connection established. *Blessing #1

Side note: Speaking of connections… I sure know enough people. My friend is managing Jeremy Camp for goodness sake. 4 of 5 other CMC friends have been off touring with bands either doing tech or production stuff….

Anyway, they placed me with an acoustic duo from Australia. They’re a small, still unknown, band. The brother of one of the guys (also their manager/booking agent/photographer/media guy) was really cool. I got to talk to him for a bit and what I loved the most (aside from the accent) was the sincerity and faithfulness that encompasses their every move.  *Blessing #2

But all the music talk really got to me. It’s like even when I try to escape from the biz, I can’t.  I know more than average person about how things in the industry work. I’ve had the experience of management and booking and promotions and everything in between…obviously I’m going to make the connections with others who are in the same boat I was in. I can’t ignore it and pretend like it never happened... And I still get a kick out of the people who come up and talk to me like I’m with the band and have the connections.

The Club Director stopped by to chat a few times throughout the night. I’ve always liked that man and I am so appreciative of him (and the others) welcoming me back in.  He’s a good guy and I very much respect and value our conversations.  There was something about the way he looked at me when we talked that seemed like he doesn’t buy the whole “giving up the music industry” thing.  He’s patient though and seems to understand me during this I-have-no-clue-what-I’m-doing-phase.  *Blessing #3


So in conclusion… I may or may not have given up the industry completely. It just depends what day it is.  ;)

But in all seriousness… I don’t think I’m going to go chasing after the music dream and I’m definitely not doing any more internships…. But if a connection somewhere down the line happens to work out, you better believe I'll take it. 

Breakup #2

These past 3 months have been full of tough decisions...

Well, I think most everyone knows about my breakup with the music industry. It’s weird because the past year and half, the music biz consumed so much of my life. Everything I did (career wise) related to the industry. Any chance I got, I would be doing an internship, working a concert, shadowing someone in the biz, etc.

Ever since I gave up the music industry, I really haven’t had much inclination to even attend concerts. We’ve been hit with different shows and tours, but I haven’t gone to a single one. Normally, I would have signed up to work regardless of liking the band… and now, I simply don't go at all. It’s a drastic change, but honestly, I don’t miss it. I think I went overboard with all things music, which in turn caused a major burnout.

Leaving that 4^th and final internship was not easy. Like I said, the people there were great. It probably would have been the best internship for me… I remember talking with the Club Director that day and telling him about where I was at trying to figure out post-college life. He had asked if I was still looking at pursuing music as a career and it was at that moment that everything froze. I didn’t think I would get emotional, but I did. I came close to tears when I said no…. but I had total peace about the decision. I felt bad about leaving, but things have been going well all things considered.

Since then… I found an opportunity at a church down in Nashville that offers a yearlong internship. It’s an unpaid internship, but 1. It’s Nashville. 2. It’s free room and board. I submitted my application and had a phone interview this week.

This is where breakup #2 comes into play. Before I could do my interview, I canceled.  I canceled because it’s not time for Nashville. Not yet, anyway.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I want to be down there more than anything, but whenever I think about it, I get this overwhelming sense that I need to be here… in Cincy. (hmmm… sounds a little like high school) “Maybe this isn’t where you want to be right now, but it’s where God needs you to be.” 

I was at work when I was scheduled to interview… And after I had the quick conversation about not being able to complete the process, I was a wreck. Again.  I did my best to keep composure, but I felt the tears coming on.

So that's what has been happening in my life up to this point... I'm just a typical college grad who doesn't know what she's doing with her life.

Oh! But there's one thing I do know... this is where I'm supposed to be right here, right now... and I thank God for that.